That girl...

Hm.

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 21:15:26 GMT

So question for all of you - have my recent entries been showing up on your friends' pages?

If not, I'm annoyed. They were put to friends only, but apparently that isn't working?
Or maybe I'm just being blonde and missing something totally obvious.

(please comment)

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 02:38:40 GMT

I wish I could take away everyone's pain.

I feel so helpless. Just sitting here and trying to help and really doing nothing.
I love you guys. Even though half of you aren't even reading this. I love you so much. I wish you could see what wonderful people you really are; I wish you could see yourselves through my eyes, see the beautiful women and girls that you are, see that your lives are worth living, that you're amazing and loved and cared for.

I wish I could take all your pain, all your self hate, on me.
I can't. But I know Someone who can and has.
I wish I could make it better.
But I can be here for you girls. And I am. If you need me, never hesitate to contact me. Ever.

Well, that goes for everyone who reads this.

I love all of you.
*mahoosive hugs*

Don't throw it all away, I'm here tonight

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 17:46:03 GMT

Today is just one of those blah days.
Am feeling so fat.

I don't know if I'm going to make the two week mark.
This is just pitiful.
I don't even know if I want to. Well, part of me does, and always has, and always will, but the other part is the stronger part at times (Fuck-you) and when she gets in control, nothing else matters. Not Russia, not relationships, not anything. Just cutting. And it's scary when that happens.

I'm in love with this song. "Caroline". They played it on tour. <3<3

My legs hurt and because of that I'm walking like a 70 year old. Hee. I guess running does that, when you go up and down hills. Damn hills. Pennsylvania wouldn't be Pennsylvania without them.

I'm adding friends from my old high school to my Myspace. I haven't seen most of them since I left, which was ... three years ago. They've changed. Gotten a lot prettier/older/hotter (in the order of girls/all/guys). It's ... funny. I haven't. I'm still the ugly girl I was when I went there. I should find a pic from then and post it. I was/am hideous.

Ack. Just ... ackkk.

Tomorrow's on its way ...

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 00:58:52 GMT

On Wednesday it will have been 2 weeks since I last cut.
That makes me sad.
I've lost so much. I'm not free anymore. I feel even more trapped now than I did when I was cutting and starving.

As it stands right now, in my group of friends at uni, I'm the only virgin.
That makes me sad too. I'm not ashamed of it. It just makes me sad that everyone else ... isn't. I don't know.

I just really want to get away. My head is fighting with me again tonight, and I'm so tired of trying not to give in to the thoughts. I've been so up and down the past month or so since I've decided to recover.

I'm listening to the songs that Seventh Day Slumber did at the concert. It's making me sad.

Tonight is just a sad night, I guess.

I want to be told I'm pretty. And be able to accept it.
I want to be held and not be afraid that whoever is holding me is disgusted by how fat I am.
I want to be able to be ... someone worthy of respect and love.

Things were better before the hos.
Hospital ruined everything.

But then again. If I hadn't got out of hos thinking about recovery, I never would have emailed Jarrod, and we would never be as close as we are now.
But then again. I would still be cutting and would be more emotionally stable.

Lori is pushing me to scream. Or throw things.
Hee.
She also wants me to be rebellious.

Tell me, what do you all think about me getting a lip ring? Lower lip, on either the left or right side (not the middle).

Mmm, just the right time

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 13:48:38 GMT

So last night, after Dad gave a talk for Sigma Zeta (on dynamite leading to use of nitroglycerin products for meds such as Viagra [which was originally intended for angina pectoris]), we all (mum, dad, sis, and me) went out to the Roadhouse with Bekah, Sara, Tyler, & co. It was a lovely time, had a lot of laughs and the food was good (*gasp*) (I opted for spinach and artichoke dip with tortilla chips, instead of dessert). We left around 9:20 and after errands in town, got back home 'round 10. I checked the message machine and Jarrod had left a message, around 8:30 I think, and then just as I finished listening to the message and was taking off my hoodie and setting down my bag, the phone rang and it was Jarrod. *happy* So 'twas lucky that we got home when we did. :) And the call and the dinner out were together a perfect ending to an overall crappy day. :) *girly blush*

I did get to bed around midnight though, thanks to a large Pepsi at 9pm. Hee.

Send me a light, out of my night

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 20:49:12 GMT

Lay your arms on me
to set me free ...

Night falls, dark dreams, blackness comes over me
Endless sorrow, this is what I can see
Hear me, help me, your love could set me free
See me bleeding, don't go away - leave me alone, in my night.

Curse the darkness, for I can free my soul
Freedom calls me, I won't be left alone
Dreaming your dreams, could be reality
You are my dream, see what I've seen and come with me, into light.

I can't do this on my own.
I've been so stubborn.
I am so stubborn.

I don't understand why God loves us. We haven't done anything great, we aren't any different from any other organism, except that we have the ability to worship Him. Maybe that's why it's so amazing. Because He loves us so much and we are so unworthy of it. It's another one of those whys. I don't know why and maybe never will; maybe there isn't an answer to that question.

Last night was rough. But I sat down with my Bible before going to bed and read some in the Psalms. I highlighted some verses from Psalms 141 and 142 that seemed relevant. They helped some; I'll have to post them in a bit.

I wish I could just make up my mind once and for all.
Every day I change it. Today it is that I'm going to restrict but keep on attempting to not cut.
Tomorrow it might be that I'm going to recover from everything so I don't hurt anyone anymore. Or maybe that I'm not going to recover at all and take the easy way out.

I wish I knew that I was loved. And that I'm worth recovery. Or worth love. Or worth anything.
I don't know where this came from and God knows I have no idea how to fight it - "it" being ideas and perceptions that have been in my mind for upwards of ten years.

Mehh. :-/

I've got a pocket full of broken dreams ...

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:49:10 GMT

I don't care anymore.
I just ... don't care.

I'm not even trying to not cut. I just don't have the energy to.
If you can call that recovery. I don't know.
Eating, well, I'm back to restricting, cos I'm so fat.

Life really does suck.
Reality has definitely left. I'm detached.
No one can see me. I'm not really here. But that's my secret.

Majorly warped perceptions.

I tried soy milk last night, and I like it. Organic chai tea. Vegan.

Spring needs to get here.

People are stupid.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 02:34:31 GMT

A muffled heartbeat fills the silence,
an endless rhythm of varying tempo.
Just now it beats fast,
an admission to fear and weakness;
weakness that cannot be overcome,
weakness that will never be strength.
In time, the tempo will slow,
grow softer and less rhythmical,
and then it will end, and time will go on,
unaided by the music of human frailty.

Just a rose,
a small, perfect yellow rose,
glistening with dew,
fresh and beautiful in the morning light,
an entity worthy of worship.
There was a time
when it was an unopened bud,
and had its life to live.
Now, it is full and shining in its pure splendor,
but by nightfall,
its reign of beauty will have ended;
the glorious gold petals
will wilt and fade,
and the goddess of roses
will wither and die.
Just a rose,
a small, perfect yellow rose,
destined to die.

The pros and cons of breathing

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 18:36:48 GMT

So I'm going to not lock my posts for a bit, since apparently they haven't been showing up on my friends' friends pages. Or maybe they have. Go figure, don't know what's up with that.

I'm worried about my friends. I don't know why, but everyone seems to be having a rough go of it this year. I don't want to go into details, but ... I'm scared for them. Scared that they're going to fall into the same stuff that I'm doing. I don't want that, not at all ... I don't want to be dragging everyone down with me.

It's just not fair. Life isn't fair, and I can accept that, as long as it's only being unfair to me. No one else deserves it.

I actually justified suicide yesterday.
I'll have to post why sometime.

I'm scared that we won't be able to go to Russia. If Tammy can't go, I don't want to go, cos it would suck being alone.
Blahhh.

I want to be pretty.
I want to be thin.
It's not totally to impress everyone else. I want to be able to like me.

Just because I'm eating doesn't mean that things are ok.
"You don't have an eating disorder anymore since you aren't starving anymore."
Well, whatever you say.
Shut up.

Recovery ain't recovery.
You can't get better from this.
I don't even know if I want to.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 18:29:11 GMT

She sits, gazing at the sunrise,
her life spread before her,
a banquet fit for a queen.
Head full of dreams,
life is worth living.
She has waited for this day:
her eighteenth birthday-
waited, for no particular reason,
just proud that she had survived.
Life has proved harsh,
but she is one of the select few
who rise above difficulties,
shining brighter than before.
And shine she does,
eyes shimmering through a veil of tears
at the beauty of the day.
Perfect rose.

The day passes peacefully,
but not as she had wished.
A feeling of despair washes over her;
by evening her eyes are filled with tears
and she no longer shines.
Out of the shadows has risen
the feeling that life is purposeless.
What is the use of fighting to survive,
when at the end, all is death?
A thought has crossed her mind
more than once before,
but she has never indulged.
Now her hand grasps for the razor,
slowly drawing the blade over her wrist,
watching the beads of blood,
gashes, ravines, filled with ruby rivers.
Wilting rose.

She gazes, entranced,
as she unknowingly slashes deeper,
feeling as though she is living
in one of her own dreams,
oblivious to the pain.
She walks outside,
blade still pressed to her skin
as if it is her only lifeline,
capable of saving her from drowning.
Crouching on the hillside,
where hours before she watched the sun rise,
she clutches the blade tightly
in her red-stained hand.
She thinks back over her eighteen years-
as if a blind has been removed,
she sees that she has accomplished nothing,
that she is a failure.
After all, to live is to die,
so it can't be a sin to die sooner
rather than later, she reasons.
Raising the blade to her wrist,
she makes one fatal cut,
then another-
then, entranced,
watches her lifeblood soak,
soak slowly into the ground.
Withered rose.

I just found that in my blog at CF. I wrote it on 2 October ... and ... wow. The whole purposeless bit sounds like me right now.

There's just too much that time cannot erase ...

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 17:23:26 GMT

Today I'm in a good mood; unstable and all, so it'll be gone in a few hours. Blahh.

Jarrod called last night, which made me happy. I was quite sleepy, so I apologise for not being particularly talkative / coherent. :) But it was nice to hear his voice and know that things are going alright.

I ordered two cds this morning, Take This to Your Grave by Fall Out Boy, and Once Upon a Shattered Life by Seventh Day Slumber. :)

And I made lunch; homemade (old-fashioned) macaroni and cheese, which is in the oven right now. Should be done in about five minutes.

Peace out.

poemage woo

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 16:45:39 GMT

My thoughts are with you tonight,
floating on the breeze,
flying with the remnants of sunlight,
tracing patterns in the sky.

My thoughts are with you tonight,
and although I can't hold you now,
someday we'll meet, eyes bright,
two hearts, two souls as one.

My thoughts are with you tonight,
as are my prayers,
to be with you now would be a delight,
but until then, may God be by your side.

No borrowing please.
:) I wrote that on the trip, when the sun had just gone down. We were still on the road and I felt like "releasing the inner woman" - a little joke between my mum and me. So that's what came of my thoughts that evening.

Chai!

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 22:28:31 GMT

My *slightly modified* recipe for Chai tea.

NOTE - all measurements are approximate.

Ingredients:
5 cups water
2 black or Darjeeling tea bags
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. ginger
2 tsp. fennel or anise seed
12 cloves
12 allspice thingies

Put the water to boil with the tea bags. Add the cinnamon and ginger; grind or crush the fennel/anise seed, cloves, and allspice and add.
Boil for five minutes, then take it off the heat and let it cool. Strain it.

Add milk and sugar to taste - for me, the ratio of milk to tea mixture is 1:2.
Curl up with a book and enjoy. :)

A new beginning ...

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:30:22 GMT

So I start over again.